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Four Years and Little Changes

At our core, some of us can never really change. We’ll always want more. But I’ve had to accept one thing:

There’s no one coming to save me.

No madman in a blue box

No antihero to sweep me away

It is was it is.

WYSIWYG.

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I’m sorry doesn’t do a damn thing except remind me that this can’t be fixed. This is my world now. And I don’t want it.

-Mira Grant


For anyone that’s ever accepted a loss.

This is our new reality.

It doesn’t mean it hurts any less.

Ugh

I love having a good day and feeling great about it.

And then reminding myself and others how awkward and moronic I can be.

Ugh.

Logan

Oh my.

I just watched Logan.

And my heart. My heart aches with so many feels.

Such a beautiful movie.

I’ve been watching Marvel movies since a kid, watching the 90’s cartoon with the greatest opening theme. My dad raised us with X-Men and superheroes and every new movie since he’s passed has always had such a bittersweet note to it.

Ugh

Writing a personal statement is the worst.

Confidence

It is definitely falling out of my ass. That’s for sure.

And while I may be able to pull out wrath or bitchiness, pulling out confidence is like making a movie whose plot isn’t predictable: so hard to come by.

Impostor Syndrome

Impostor syndrome is a real thing. It has to do with the idea of a fear of being exposed as a fraud and being unable to internalize one’s accomplishments.

 

For me, it is definitely a thing. A constant fear that someone is going to realize that they made a mistake and that I can’t be a doctor. Or I shouldn’t be a doctor.

It’s a fear that holds you back. Holds me back. Makes me doubt so much of what I do and the choices that I make. Makes me afraid to tell attendings that I like their specialty for fear that they will tell me that it isn’t for me. Or I realize how much I suck at it and then embarrass myself.

Fear is so powerful. It’s always easier to tell someone else to be fearless and it is to actually be fearless.