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Ugh

I love having a good day and feeling great about it.

And then reminding myself and others how awkward and moronic I can be.

Ugh.

Logan

Oh my.

I just watched Logan.

And my heart. My heart aches with so many feels.

Such a beautiful movie.

I’ve been watching Marvel movies since a kid, watching the 90’s cartoon with the greatest opening theme. My dad raised us with X-Men and superheroes and every new movie since he’s passed has always had such a bittersweet note to it.

Ugh

Writing a personal statement is the worst.

Confidence

It is definitely falling out of my ass. That’s for sure.

And while I may be able to pull out wrath or bitchiness, pulling out confidence is like making a movie whose plot isn’t predictable: so hard to come by.

Impostor Syndrome

Impostor syndrome is a real thing. It has to do with the idea of a fear of being exposed as a fraud and being unable to internalize one’s accomplishments.

 

For me, it is definitely a thing. A constant fear that someone is going to realize that they made a mistake and that I can’t be a doctor. Or I shouldn’t be a doctor.

It’s a fear that holds you back. Holds me back. Makes me doubt so much of what I do and the choices that I make. Makes me afraid to tell attendings that I like their specialty for fear that they will tell me that it isn’t for me. Or I realize how much I suck at it and then embarrass myself.

Fear is so powerful. It’s always easier to tell someone else to be fearless and it is to actually be fearless.

Life Decisions

It’s been a while.

I am supposed to be choosing a specialty.

But here’s the deal: it’s very hard for me to find ‘passion’ about anything.

I tend to acclimate to things over time and find that I enjoy them. So my short rotations are not enough for me.

Also, I’m very reluctant to admit to loving anything. Out of fear, embarrassment, insecurity, I don’t really know.

Sometimes I feel like I want a life coach, lol, but I don’t exactly have time for something like that.

It should take …

It should take you about four seconds to walk from here to the door. I’ll give you two.