I love having a good day and feeling great about it.
And then reminding myself and others how awkward and moronic I can be.
I just watched Logan.
And my heart. My heart aches with so many feels.
Such a beautiful movie.
I’ve been watching Marvel movies since a kid, watching the 90’s cartoon with the greatest opening theme. My dad raised us with X-Men and superheroes and every new movie since he’s passed has always had such a bittersweet note to it.
Writing a personal statement is the worst.
It is definitely falling out of my ass. That’s for sure.
And while I may be able to pull out wrath or bitchiness, pulling out confidence is like making a movie whose plot isn’t predictable: so hard to come by.
Impostor syndrome is a real thing. It has to do with the idea of a fear of being exposed as a fraud and being unable to internalize one’s accomplishments.
For me, it is definitely a thing. A constant fear that someone is going to realize that they made a mistake and that I can’t be a doctor. Or I shouldn’t be a doctor.
It’s a fear that holds you back. Holds me back. Makes me doubt so much of what I do and the choices that I make. Makes me afraid to tell attendings that I like their specialty for fear that they will tell me that it isn’t for me. Or I realize how much I suck at it and then embarrass myself.
Fear is so powerful. It’s always easier to tell someone else to be fearless and it is to actually be fearless.
It’s been a while.
I am supposed to be choosing a specialty.
But here’s the deal: it’s very hard for me to find ‘passion’ about anything.
I tend to acclimate to things over time and find that I enjoy them. So my short rotations are not enough for me.
Also, I’m very reluctant to admit to loving anything. Out of fear, embarrassment, insecurity, I don’t really know.
Sometimes I feel like I want a life coach, lol, but I don’t exactly have time for something like that.
It should take you about four seconds to walk from here to the door. I’ll give you two.