Writing a personal statement is the worst.
It is definitely falling out of my ass. That’s for sure.
And while I may be able to pull out wrath or bitchiness, pulling out confidence is like making a movie whose plot isn’t predictable: so hard to come by.
Impostor syndrome is a real thing. It has to do with the idea of a fear of being exposed as a fraud and being unable to internalize one’s accomplishments.
For me, it is definitely a thing. A constant fear that someone is going to realize that they made a mistake and that I can’t be a doctor. Or I shouldn’t be a doctor.
It’s a fear that holds you back. Holds me back. Makes me doubt so much of what I do and the choices that I make. Makes me afraid to tell attendings that I like their specialty for fear that they will tell me that it isn’t for me. Or I realize how much I suck at it and then embarrass myself.
Fear is so powerful. It’s always easier to tell someone else to be fearless and it is to actually be fearless.
It’s been a while.
I am supposed to be choosing a specialty.
But here’s the deal: it’s very hard for me to find ‘passion’ about anything.
I tend to acclimate to things over time and find that I enjoy them. So my short rotations are not enough for me.
Also, I’m very reluctant to admit to loving anything. Out of fear, embarrassment, insecurity, I don’t really know.
Sometimes I feel like I want a life coach, lol, but I don’t exactly have time for something like that.
So here I am. A couple months later and I will officially announce that I have passed my first year of medical school! It was NOT easy and people looking back and saying that it was are clearly blocking some things out.
Sometimes it’s hard to think that I’m actually in a really good place in my life because I’m still in school. Other kids I graduated high school or college with are getting jobs, married and having kids. And I just say that I’m still in school. Forever. But then I have to remember that I had some really tough competition to here and that I am in a pretty prestigous program to be honest.
It’s easy to still just feel like a small student when other people your own age are building lives and seem so much further ahead of me in life.
It’s good to remind yourself once in a while that people take different paths.
And there’s nothing wrong with that.
This is why I never open my mouth to share.
Because I do, then people take action on those words.
Then I just hurt people and cause destruction where ever I go.