Four Years and Little Changes
At our core, some of us can never really change. We’ll always want more. But I’ve had to accept one thing:
There’s no one coming to save me.
No madman in a blue box
No antihero to sweep me away
It is was it is.
WYSIWYG.
I have no clue what I’m doing.
My advisor just told me to decline half of the away rotations that I’ve been offered because I won’t be able to match at them. But it’s not like I’m turning down other places that I could Match at in exchange. These are the offers that were made. And really, that just does a ton for my confidence at this point too.
He told me to apply to programs that I liked and I did.
I told him many months ago that I had no clue what I was doing. And now he decides to help.
What the hell.
Away Rotations
I’m currently attempting to plan away rotations for the MD4 year while looking at programs for residency. How the hell is someone supposed to choose? Some programs just look all the same. And then there are competitive classmates talking about the ‘ranking’ of programs. How do they know? And I don’t think that I really care about the ranking as long as I like the program?
It’s so frustrating. Especially since I still have applications out for places that I’d rather go. So then I feel bad about accepting backup rotations just in case. But after having one program cancel their rotation due to ‘department changes’, I am a little paranoid.
Is it wrong to accept an away rotation if I don’t think that I like their residency program? Even just for a backup? Ugh.
Ugh
I love having a good day and feeling great about it.
And then reminding myself and others how awkward and moronic I can be.
Ugh.
Logan
Oh my.
I just watched Logan.
And my heart. My heart aches with so many feels.
Such a beautiful movie.
I’ve been watching Marvel movies since a kid, watching the 90’s cartoon with the greatest opening theme. My dad raised us with X-Men and superheroes and every new movie since he’s passed has always had such a bittersweet note to it.
Expectation
People always seem to be expecting something different than what I expect of myself. And sometimes (most of the time) my expectations disappoint me too.
My brother once told me to set my expectations low, that way when I succeed, even by a little, I’ll be ‘pleasantly surprised’.
Personally, expectations give me a lot of anxiety. Like whenever I’m in a relationship I always feel like he ‘expects’ something of me and I don’t know what that is. Hence the anxiety and hence why my relationships don’t last long.
Ugh
Writing a personal statement is the worst.
Confidence
It is definitely falling out of my ass. That’s for sure.
And while I may be able to pull out wrath or bitchiness, pulling out confidence is like making a movie whose plot isn’t predictable: so hard to come by.
Impostor Syndrome
Impostor syndrome is a real thing. It has to do with the idea of a fear of being exposed as a fraud and being unable to internalize one’s accomplishments.
For me, it is definitely a thing. A constant fear that someone is going to realize that they made a mistake and that I can’t be a doctor. Or I shouldn’t be a doctor.
It’s a fear that holds you back. Holds me back. Makes me doubt so much of what I do and the choices that I make. Makes me afraid to tell attendings that I like their specialty for fear that they will tell me that it isn’t for me. Or I realize how much I suck at it and then embarrass myself.
Fear is so powerful. It’s always easier to tell someone else to be fearless and it is to actually be fearless.
Beyond Average & Mediocre 